My Dog Wouldn't Do That!

Author: Ed Williams

What's the world comin' to?

I know that's not the typical opening to one of my columns, but this one is different because I'm having a real hard time writing it. I'm in pain. Real physical pain. There are two holes in the back left knee of my sweatpants, and I also have about a one inch scratch right on the back of that same knee that's really stinging. And guess why? A &%*@ dog bit me!

That's right, a dog just took a little chunk out of me. And ya'll might be wondering just how it happened, at least I hope y'all are.

I typically walk a couple of miles each day, and I do it on the roads that wind through our subdivision. It's a pretty hilly walk, you get a nice view of some great houses, and I typically enjoy it.

Today, I was out walking and was working my way through one of our side streets. I'd just walked past this one house with an open garage, and when I did, I heard some barking. Didn't pay much attention to it at first, but that changed when it became obvious that the barking was getting closer and closer to me. I turned, and found myself staring straight into the eyes of a chocolate brown lab.

This lab was a good sized dog, and he was growling like he meant business. I figured that the best thing to do was to just slowly walk away, which is exactly what I tried to do. I took a couple of steps, and then felt something nip up against the back of my left knee. When I turned around, the dog jumped back, tensed, and I thought it was gonna try and bite me again. Note that I said try and bite me again. I'm not ashamed to admit that that I was going to kick the living hell out of him had he gone for a second helping. Fortunately, he backed off and I got out of there as quickly as I could.

Know what cheeses me off the most about this whole situation? There are leash laws in our community, and those laws are in place for a reason. Suppose this dog had been bigger and had inflicted more damage? Suppose he'd charged out into the road after a ball and had gotten struck by a car? Suppose he'd bitten a small child? That's why leash laws are on the books in the first place.

All that being said, let me be fair to this bloodthirsty pooch - he was not the only dog who was running around loose and unsupervised today. And I'll bet my Elvis CDs that if you asked any of these dogs' owners why they didn't have them secured, they'd tell you one of the following:

1. My dog needs some freedom, we hate to chain him up in our backyard.

2. My dog is quite gentle and poses a threat to no one.

First, if a dog needs freedom, why is it being kept in a subdivision in the first place? Next, regarding the "dog who is quite gentle" baloney - folks, the chocolate lab I encountered was the third one that growled and got fairly close to me during today's walk. So don't spit in the water and tell me it's tea, because the truth is that no one likes to say that there are ugly babies, but there are lots of 'em, and no one wants to admit that their dogs are potential menaces, but the streets are full of 'em. And that's me saying it level.

Folks, from here on out, here's how it goes with me. I just bought a nice little container of pepper spray, and I'll carry it with me whenever I take a walk in the future. If a dog leaves his yard and comes out into the street with me, I certainly won't spray him/her. But if a dog leaves his yard, comes out into the street, gets real close to me and starts barking threateningly, well, he/she is going to receive a snout full of pepper spray. That's a promise.

In closing, for any of you animal rights activists that I've offended out there, don't whine one tiny bit to me. I still believe that human rights come first, and that means the right to walk out on a public street that my taxes pay for without being threatened by some crazed animal. And if y'all still want to protest what I've said here today, email me and I'll be glad to give you a street address that y'all can go stand in front of and protest all you want...

About the author: Ed's latest book, "Rough As A Cob," can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He's also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.