Express Your Love by Expressing Your Dog - The Dirt on a Dog-owners' Dirtiest Job

Author: Randal Breaux

There is a dreadful substance inside your dog's butt that's aching to get out, and unless you rise to this disgusting challenge, consequences can be dire.

It's called expressing your dog, and it is a chore so foul that it was recently featured on the Discovery Channel's ""Dirty Jobs."" Actually, ""dirty"" hardly does the situation justice.

If your dog is chewing and biting ""back there"" or dragging its rump across the ground, chances are he is in need of a little expression - of his sphincter glands, that is.

Dogs have special glands that secrete an especially - shall we say - fragrant substance into their poop. It's what makes a dog's poop her own, and it's what dogs sniff for when they are investigating other dogs' rears or their droppings.

Problems occur when these glands get clogged up. The musky fluid begins to collect, and the dogs begin to experience irritating pressure and pain - like a turbo case of hemorrhoids.

Usually, the dog is able to express - or squeeze out - some of the fluid and get the glands flowing again. If your dog has ever been inexplicably stinky - almost like he has gotten into rotten fish or something, then chances are you've experienced a do-it-yourself expression job.

If you're lucky, the sacred event took place outside, but just as often the residue ends up saturating carpet or expensive furniture. Yum!

Things get worse if the dog is unable to alleviate the problem, and the situation goes unchecked. As you might imagine, this can be an excruciating experience for your dog. Finally, you will most likely be saddled with an expensive vet bill, and your dog will end up needing a most uncomfortable surgical procedure.

Getting Down to Dirty Business

All of this can be easily avoided by a little human intervention. Expressing a dog is a simple enough procedure - it's the mental challenge that is most difficult to overcome. Vile fluids squirting from a dog's butt is certainly not a mental image you'd want to hold during meditation or anything.

Honestly, it's really not bad. The liquid smells like fish, not ...uh ...you know. It's mostly clear liquid, and it rinses pretty easily. It doesn't have the staying power of the substance that cats spray (which is truly disgusting!).

Finding the glands is easy. If the butt hole itself is the center of a clock, the two glands sit at the four and eight o'clock positions about two inches from the ""center."" From the outside (and it is strongly suggested you stay outside, even though vets usually venture in), they feel like kidney beans, although distended glands can get significantly larger.

Before you dive in, I can hardly stress enough the importance of pointing the dog's bottom away from you and anything else you care about. Also, make sure you have something to wash the dog and your surroundings down after the procedure. If it's warm, take the dog outside; if it's cold, a shower stall that has a rinse hose is a good option.

I can recommend two expressing techniques. First, the upward thrust: position your thumb and forefinger each under one gland; push in to make sure your digits are firmly fixed under each; then give a strong lift, squeezing the glands upward. If you are successful, usually you will be rewarded with a good squirt - about the same as a squirt gun. Sometimes the fluid gets sludgy, in which case a small black worm of crud will emerge. Repeat a few times as required to make sure you've emptied both glands thoroughly.

If this technique does not produce the desired result, then you should try the more direct approach: pinching each gland separately, squeezing both sides toward the middle. Expect similar results as when using the first technique.

Do it Yourself?

If you are too squeamish to contemplate perpetrating such an abomination, you will be happy to know that professional help is available. Most groomers are willing to render this value-added service for a small consideration during a regular grooming; failing that, your local vet can certainly perform the ritual, but usually at a higher fee.

I find, however, that my own dogs (three pugs) seem to appreciate my keeping this very personal need of theirs within the confines of the family. When I first started doing the expression thing myself, I wore what amounted to a home-made hazmat suit, but over the years my resolve has stiffened quite a bit.

Nowadays, I generally don't even bother with gloves. I just take the dogs outside next to the hose and aim them away. A quick squirt and rinse and the job's done. No big deal, really. It's a small price to pay for a happy, comfortable dog - who seem to appreciate me all the more for it.

About the author:

Randal Breaux is owned and operated by three pugs - along with his wife and two daughters - in The Woodlands, TX (just outside Houston).